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<title>an ache in the way you love me by knightinpinkunderwear</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22936210">an ache in the way you love me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinpinkunderwear/pseuds/knightinpinkunderwear'>knightinpinkunderwear</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gotham (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Prose Poem, Season/Series 04, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:08:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>579</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22936210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinpinkunderwear/pseuds/knightinpinkunderwear</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee follows Ed after he tries to confess his feelings.<br/>This is a 1st person narrated poemish thingy</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Edward Nygma/Leslie Thompkins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>an ache in the way you love me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>warnings: this is heavy and deals with drug abuse and suicide</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You wormed your way into my life with quiet urgency.</p><p>Damaged and trying to make up for it in bravado and glitter.</p><p>And soon I could not think of this wretched bar without you in it,</p><p>I could not think of my little corner of the Narrows without hearing your snarky comments and feeling the roll of your eyes.</p><p>You started to become the man I thought I knew -</p><p>a very long time ago now it seems.</p><p>I like who you are becoming,</p><p>Sarcasm, bitterness, and genuine concern for others deep down.</p><p>But then you come to see me,</p><p>and there's something in your eyes.</p><p>you can't tell me</p><p>But I know.</p><p>
  <em>I know. </em>
</p><p>You flee, running from the room as if you can run from this vulnerability.</p><p>So I look for you.</p><p>You aren't at the bar,</p><p>Or the clinic,</p><p>Or bribing children outside,</p><p>Or in your room.</p><p>But there's pieces of you there,</p><p>pieces that make the picture clearer.</p><p>There are pill bottles on the table,</p><p>Their orange bodies and white caps smirk,</p><p>no doubt stolen from the clinic</p><p>or from a second pharmacy raid.</p><p>But what use do you have for them?</p><p>For antipsychotics and amphetamines?</p><p>I worry about you, I can't help it</p><p>Despite everything between us,</p><p>You've wormed your way into my heart</p><p>Even after Kristen...</p><p>The guilt makes me almost as sick</p><p>as sick as knowing now how you've been hiding</p><p>hiding and suffering</p><p>how could I not notice?</p><p>How I could call myself your friend and not know?</p><p>I look for you with new urgency,</p><p>I find you in a stairwell.</p><p>A noose secured about your neck,</p><p>shouting at thin air.</p><p>Your hair is wild</p><p>You don't see me, three flights up.</p><p><em>"It's the only way!"</em> you sob,</p><p>Then you step forward</p><p>then you fall.</p><p>And I'm following you</p><p>Running with urgency in my veins</p><p>I miss a stair, crashing down</p><p>my ankle pulls and pains</p><p>I get up and keep going</p><p>I reach you</p><p>and it hurts more when you fight</p><p>more than losing an engagement</p><p>more than my ankle</p><p>more than the guilt from what I've done</p><p>you don't want to be saved</p><p>But I can't not save you</p><p>I can't let you die</p><p>I can't lose you</p><p>So I grab you, ignoring how you kick and scream</p><p>Ignoring how awful your shouts sound with the rope cutting into your throat</p><p>Then we're sitting on the stairs</p><p>You're still struggling against me</p><p>scared that you'll hurt me</p><p>not understanding that dying is the worst way you can hurt me</p><p>because despite our history</p><p>I care about you.</p><p>Greif churns in my stomach as you stop trying to break free</p><p>And you're crying into my shoulder</p><p>gross, wheezing sobs</p><p>intermixed with words that hurt with a horrifying ache.</p><p>But above all</p><p>I am relieved</p><p>I looked for you</p><p>and I found you</p><p>You are here with me</p><p>I won't have to bury you yet.</p><p>You're here and you are just as damaged as me</p><p>You're here, crying into my shoulder</p><p>and you love me.</p><p>No one has ever loved me this way</p><p>I know it is horrible</p><p>But some part of me is impressed</p><p>You would have killed yourself to keep me safe.</p><p>For this, I will make sure that you do not</p><p>I can't let you die</p><p>because you love me</p><p>and I like who you're becoming</p><p>and I can help you</p><p>and deep down</p><p>somewhere...</p><p>I love you too</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was aching for some nice poem pain</p></blockquote></div></div>
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